I noticed that most of us innately have this mentality of "I owe you" built into us. For example, I like to go out for lunch with my friend at work. We do this often, hopefully at least once a week, sometimes more. 

When this habit first started, I remember she would insist on paying her own way every time. I would try pay and say, "You get it next time," to which I received an adamant "No, I have money. You don't have to." Precisely the point. I don't have to, but I wanted to. But she wouldn't let me. So one day, I forgot my wallet and I had to ask her to cover me. "Of course, no problem," says my good friend. Wonderful. The next time, I remembered my things and said "Hey, it's my turn." And so we started taking turns, more or less, and allowed each other to give and to receive this beautiful meal called lunch. 

Nowadays, I'm pretty sure we've lost count and I much prefer it this way. We have shared lunch, coffee, snacks, recipes, vacations, accessories, wisdom, advice, and more. I have not taken for granted how amazing it is to have reached this level of sharing, to have the freedom to give and to receive grace. 

I notice it especially when I go for lunch with a new friend who (surprise, surprise) refuses to let me pick up the cheque. I hear that old familiar response, "No, you don't have to." I think I'll have to "forget my wallet" again and start over. Teaching grace isn't hard, it just takes a bit of time and patience.

The rewards are worth it though. To learn to receive can be harder than giving, and then it makes it that much more difficult to receive a grace that is so unbelievably free. The world tells us we have to work and earn our way to the top, so much that we can forget that our life is a gift. The sacrifice for our freedom was already earned by love shown on a cross. It doesn't make sense that we all have this love without doing anything. We want to do good things and say we earned it but it's already been done. 

I think I'll have lunch with a friend and think about this some more.

I have 18 days off work while I recover from eye surgery. Part of me feels a bit indulgent in this "scheduled" medical leave but I hope to approach this as a holistic type of recovery. Originally I was supposed to be at a retreat this weekend and I think God still has it on my heart to reconnect on that level.  Already I've seen how my limited vision has revealed some interesting things.. mostly the stupid things that come out of my own mouth. Listening to others is one thing, but really hearing myself can be a terrible and scary experience.

Once someone gave me a present - it was a magnet that said "Sarcasm: Just one of the services offered here." I took it more as a warning of the words I can't seem to control that come out of my mouth. Previously relationships have demonstratced to me the power of desstruction my words can cause and I am quiet afraid of that blowing up in my face again. A good friend to tell me to shutup is sometimes helpful, I find. My own listening ears burn with some level of shame at how some twords comes out. It is only by grace that those around me find them funny - even if that is the original intentional, I pause in horror at how they might be received otherwise. 

I thought this experience of blurred and uncomfortable vision would allow me time to reflect on music and sounds, so how could I turn down an opportunity to be in the worship band this Sunday 0- on DRUMS! How perfect that God gives me the instrument that doesn't require reading of music, but a listening ear to interpret rhythm, feeel and cohesion. Often less is more and I pray that I won't be a distraction... Stevie Wonder on drums? :P

So other endeavours for this time of quiet reflection. Maybe I'll get to know my roommates better. Hope to spend time in quiet meditation every morning, some yoga and breathing is a good idea. I MIGHT even do a situp or two. HA. Already I've been drinking more water and it's had a positive effect on me but sleeping has been intermittent. More overall but I can't seem to sleep more than 7 hours at a time. If i could do 12 hrs, that would be so cool. 

I find myself praying for othe rfamilies, parents, siblings, estranged relationships. But always for others, none of my own, although the rsimilarities have a striking resemblance. Maybe through these prayers God is breaking into my own heart to deal with my own shit. Flowly but surely.

P.s. I'm typing this all with my eyes closed. Please pardon the typos. I hope I haven't inadvertently said anythong particularly inappropriate. ;)

Themes of Revolutionary Road.

- turning 30 makes you reflect on life

- you only get a few chances in life to be interesting

- being like everyone else makes you feel trapped

- honesty is important in relationships

- giving someone space to think before communicating is better than attacking and cornering them

- a man needs to feel like a man.

- being truthful may be interpreted as being crazy.

- people aren't as happy as they seem.

- the suburbs aren't all they're cracked up to be.

This is all conjecture, but there are echoes of real life here.